If you will notice, I’m not on here trying to give advice for things I know nothing about. For example, I’m not giving legal advice, because I’m not an attorney. Nor am I giving you advice on how to sky dive because I’ve never done that before.
I only advise on things I am educated in. For example, I wrote a book about real estate called Real Estate Madness. As a former real estate agent, who took every class I could get possibly get my hands on, I am very knowledgeable in that area.
When it comes to real estate law, or how the business is handled, I know my stuff. I didn’t stay in the business because it honestly wasn’t what I wanted to do, but I could give real estate advice all day long and have complete confidence that I have advised well.
I am also writing a book about breaking free from bad habits and negative behavior, called The Devil Within. A book about breaking free… suits me well, don’t ya think?
There’s one thing I usually steer away from though, and that’s marriage advice. I’ve failed at being married in the past, so I don’t consider myself qualified to talk about that.
I married for the wrong reasons, married too young, and stayed married because I had kids. I remained married as long as I could, but eventually, I had to end it.
I forgive him for it now, which is what you must do to be able to move on with your life, but my ex was intentionally a jerk.
The man I am married to now, is the opposite of that in how he treats me.
He thanks me for dinner, instead of tossing it in the trash, and telling me it’s where it belongs. He opens my car door, holds my hand down the stairs, and treats me like I matter to him.
He makes sure I’m comfortable in my environment. He helps to remove the stress of daily life by sometimes running my errands, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, or helping out with the laundry.
He has also helped with the kids more times than I can count, even though he isn’t their father and isn’t obligated to do that.
Even though he treats me well enough to make me want to stay with him, we still have our moments where he acts like a jerk.
Last night I was telling him I’m glad we didn’t have any children together because now that our kids are grown and almost grown, we are almost done.
He said to me, “But can you imagine what a power force the child would have been if we added my brains to your talents?”
I woke up this morning thinking, “Was he saying I have no brains?” LOL 🤪
Men stick their foot in their mouth without even meaning to. They say and do things without thinking. We typically don’t fight, but when it happens it is usually because he is doing one of three things.
It is either because of the things he said without thinking, the way he treats my children-as though he’s their father (a step parent has a confusing role to play), or in how he sometimes doesn’t back down even when I know I am 100% right.
It is during those moments I have to remind myself of who he is.
He is a good husband. He loves me. He respects me. He is a man who shows integrity in many areas of his life. Despite his flaws, his good qualities outweigh his bad ones, and the good stuff is who he really is.
The bad qualities are just side affects of his own negative mentality, but that doesn’t make him not worth loving.
What I want you to know from my experience is- there may come a day when you see your husband as a jerk, too. But that doesn’t make them not worth loving or staying with.
You see, men seem to have this internal need to be in charge, to be right, and to be heard. Especially men in their 40’s and older because they have a war mentality. They grew up with their fathers telling them to suck it up and tough it out.
My husband was in the military for four years, and served in the gulf war. That war mentality affected who he is. His dad taught him that you fight your way through life, no matter what.
Many men from that era have that same war mentality that drives them to say things without thinking, to dominate, retaliate, or even take charge where they shouldn’t.
No matter what age group you are in, a guys behavior may, at some point, make you think you married a jerk. And, believe me, he probably is– to some degree.
But, if you focus on that, and dwell on it, you will fail to continue to notice the positive things about him.
When his flaws become your main focus, it causes marriage issues.
While I am not an expert on marriage, I can tell what you what will cause a marriage to fail. I can look back and see where my own behavior caused issues in my past relationships.
Focusing on the problem will not fix the problem. Focusing on the answer is the only thing that will help.
What is the answer?
LOVE is the answer- each and every time.
Don’t expect your spouse to do all of the loving. YOU love yourself– first. This is where I failed the most. I didn’t love myself enough to stick up for myself.
Love your spouse also, even when you don’t have as many reasons to love him. Don’t allow however he is acting at the moment, to become what you focus on. What he does or does not do is ultimately between him and God.
You don’t have to answer to God for him, nor do you have to answer to other people for his behavior. Other people don’t have to like him, accept him, or even want to be around him.
You do not have to make excuses, or look for ways to cover his tracks. All you have to do is continue to love and forgive him. That is your one and only role where protecting your marriage is concerned.
Don’t turn your head or look the other way when you need to speak up, but continue to act that out in a loving way until he gets what you are trying to tell him; even if you have to say it a dozen times a day.
My ex was very manipulative about getting his way. I would panic when his behavior turned negative because I was trying to please him, and gave him everything he wanted.
Your role in the relationship is to remain calm, kind, and loving no matter how your spouse acts or how negative they become. If they act negatively, don’t react to it. Stay in a position to love.
Here’s what I have learned about my current husband- he wants to be good to me.
I give him credit for that even when he does things I don’t understand. I allow that to be my main focus, and so far, it holds our marriage together and makes it work.
So, no, I am not an expert on marriage, but this article isn’t about making your marriage last. I don’t know enough about that to advise you. But I do, however, know how to break free from past bad habits.
In the past, my worst habit in a relationship was to stick it out no matter what. I turned my head, ignored too much, and was forgiving to a fault. I was the victim because I was taught that forgiveness meant looking the other way.
Now, I speak up, and stand up for myself. I also let him know when something doesn’t feel right. I stopped the bad habit of being the victim. I refuse to play that role anymore. To be quite honest, it works out well, too. I am happier and healthier now.
The good thing is, when my husband sees that he is wrong, he will correct whatever he needs to, to fix it. He will even apologize, compromise, and ask me what I want; which a lot of men have an issue with doing. Sometimes it takes him a while to see it, but when he does, he works on resolving the issue.
Despite his constant drive to remain in charge, and dictate how things should go in several areas of our lives, he isn’t like that with me. He gives me the freedom to be who I am and to do whatever I need to do. He respects me and showers me with attention.
I concentrate on his good qualities because while he has several bad qualities, his good ones (toward me) outweigh his bad ones.
And, here’s the deal- I am the one who has to live with him for the rest of my life. Not my parents, my siblings, or friends. Just me. MY opinion of him is all that matters in the long run.
So, I don’t really care what anyone else thinks about MY man. Why should I? My children’s opinions do not even matter because in the long run they will be moved out and grown.
When it comes to your marriage, no one’s opinions matter. Ultimately what matters is what you think of him. What matters the most is your ability to give and take appropriately from one another.
People tend to try and find contentment in their marriage based on other people’s opinions, and that is the wrong approach to loving one another. Don’t bring other people into your relationships because they will help your marriage fail.
Trust me, I know. My failed marriage from my children’s father was hindered by opinions, and our divorce was even encouraged by others.
Because he was choosing to be a jerk (and wanted to be that way and refused to change), everyone let me know they didn’t like it and several of them even told me I should leave, even before he became somewhat abusive.
Their opinion affected our marriage because I didn’t want to be married to a jerk. But I had kids with him, and honestly didn’t know what to do about it.
In the end, allowing other people to give me their opinions about my marriage, helped it to fail. It didn’t cause it, but it definitely encouraged me to move me in that direction.
I believe that we all need someone to lean on from time to time, but we need to be cautious about who we choose to fill that role. Don’t rely on those who have also had failed marriages to give you advice on what you need to do.
All men, at one point or another, are going to come across as being a jerk. It’s inevitable for most of them because ingrained in their make-up is the drive to take charge, be opinionated, or just to be a know-it-all in general.
It comes across to us as being a jerk, because, well, it is. But to them, they are being what they think they were designed to be. In their minds, they are being men.
When our husbands come across as jerks, let’s cut them some slack. Not overlooking things that we shouldn’t, but allowing them to have a little grace as a result of our love and respect for them.
If we do our part in loving them, praying for them, and showing them grace; surely, that seed planted will grow into a healthy marriage.
If nothing else, at least you can say you did your part to make it work. Wake up each day giving your spouse a little room to be imperfect. In the end, isn’t that what we all need?