I’ve always been an extremely forgiving person. It wasn’t until last year that I fully understood the vast sorrow bitterness can bring.
Physical despondency sent me down a long journey of self-examination.
The road to discovery of one’s truest image isn’t an easy one to trod but after much self reflection I discovered a symptom, not a forgiveness issue.
If you could’ve read my diary it would have went something like this:
December 19, 2016 – had a hysterectomy and gallbladder removal today. Wasn’t ready for another surgery, yet here I am.
January 2017 – Immediate menopause. Suffering from my own thoughts as they rewind to many years gone by, many things I thought I’d forgotten, and so many more I thought I’d forgiven.
June 2017 -I’ve gained a ton of weight. Can’t seem to keep it off now. No energy. Sinking deeper into depression. Sleeping is a thing of the past. Constantly working, trying to ignore it. Miserable.
March 2018 – Suffering remains, but worse now. So much worse I quit working. Still can’t sleep, can’t think straight, everyone around me goes on as if nothing is wrong but something is wrong. I can feel it deep down.
It feels like the end of the world, devastation is near but no one else seems to realize it! Why can’t I sleep? Please God help me sleep.
May 2018 – Constantly thinking back to May of 2007…
I sat in my car at the park located right outside my neighborhood, needing desperately to clear my head after a long, overly exhausting fight with my children’s father, whom I was married to at the time.
This time he wouldn’t let me come out of my walk-in closet. Was also putting my furniture out in the rain trying to kick me out.
I had to put him in his place.
Did he really think I was working out at the gym for nothing? That shocked look let me know he didn’t think I had it in me.
I am not my mother.
The police came to our house and talked to him. Huh. A lot of good that did.
I sat there for hours and just cried, not understanding, not wanting to go home, praying with the same sincerity I’d had at fifteen years old, needing to get away from the lifestyle of poverty and neglect I was born into.
Only, this time I had two children to think about. Two beautiful miracle babies. I couldn’t let them down. I wouldn’t be the mother that ignored things.
I left home at barely the age of seventeen determined to do it better than my parents ever dreamed of.
This wasn’t better.
Determined now more than ever, for my boys sake, I sat there searching my soul for answers.
I had to figure this out and repair whatever had been broken. I didn’t know what needed to happen, all I knew was I wanted out, but for their sake I stayed, knowing I would have to start over completely.
For their sake? Wait a minute, how could this be for their sake if they were being hurt too?
The bruises had to be dealt with. I couldn’t let that go. That would NOT happen again. I would be sure of it.
I had the proof in my cell phone. Looked at it every few minutes, wondering what to do?
Had he really become that person?
Every night, I died a little more inside.
Where had I gone wrong? He seemed like a good guy when I met him. Apparently, that wasn’t enough.
What would be enough? Would I ever know?
The devil lived in my house. Ate my food. Raised my kids. Stole my half of the business that I worked longer and harder than he had to build.
Now he was trying to kick me out of my home too; but why?
I was being verbally and emotionally abused daily. Spent nine years forgiving it, looking the other way. Praying it would change. Sticking right by his side, no matter what.
I was becoming my mother. Oh, the bruises were proof that I was! Sticking my head in the sand.
NO. I couldn’t allow that.
My children and I were NOT going to be victims.
His words were so cruel, I had learned to hate. Not him, just his evil twin who decided to visit us every now and then.
I hated what he had become.
Love’s authority was wounded; no longer had it in me.
His evil bore deep into my soul and created a bitterness so profound, so real. I knew I had to leave to be able to forgive him because he refused to see where he was wrong.
He only saw where I was wrong. I took all the heat, all the gossip, all the rumors. I took all the blame, every single time.
Nine years of this.
The harder I fought to save whatever we had left the more I was pushed away. He’d given me plenty of reasons to leave and cheat. He longer touched me or even kissed me.
Cheating? Yes, I thought about it. Even had the opportunity.
I dreamed of being held by someone who would actually love me back. Sure I wanted that. But my kids needed their father, not some stranger.
Oh and the threats. No, he wouldn’t take my kids. NO ONE would take my kids from me. EVER. I would make sure of that.
Loving him, forgiving him, staying with him despite all of the hell he raised, I had earned being loved back by now. Hadn’t I?
When would I get mine?
Sure, I had gained weight from having kids, being stressed and having thyroid issues. I probably wasn’t attractive, just as he said.
I probably wasn’t worth having by now.
He had ruined me.
Maybe he was right, nobody else would want me. I was too bitter, too angry, too fed up. He even convinced me I was crazy. Crazy is definitely what I felt.
I was gaslighted. Weakened by confusion.
I remembered the pictures as I stared down at my phone. Tears stopped flowing and I just sat there angry, with a knowing that those pictures, those darn bruises, were a warning of what was to come.
Suddenly, as though I was zapped with energy from within it stiffened my face and sat me upright.
No longer feeling broken, and more serious than I had ever been before, I grit my teeth and simply said, “Lord, You show me what I need to do. YOU show me, and I will do it.”
Angry enough to kill the man, but willing to forgive if he would just help me fix it, I cranked my car and headed home.
Countdown to showdown.
When I walked into the house, it was empty. I saw the light blinking from across the room. There was a voicemail on the answering machine.
Thinking it may be him, I pushed the button. The voice that was on that machine revealed everything I needed to know, and explained why he wasn’t home.
Had he forgotten to erase it? Or, was it left on purpose?
Flushed face from the red-hot heat I was feeling, I quickly looked up the address for the phone number that had somehow shown up on my caller ID (a service I didn’t even have for my phone).
I considered for a moment confronting that voice. Was mad enough to do it too. I even drove to that address.
While sitting in front of that house, I realized, this was my freedom.
The confusion stopped. Now I could see the whole picture. I was trying to save something he didn’t want saved.
Within a few days I was moved out and starting over.
I handled hearing that voicemail with as much dignity as I knew how but it was the last straw that broke the camels back.
If I could do it over, he would be the one to leave.
I felt abandoned. Lost. Demoralized.
After leaving, I sat in my little apartment and silently and slowly died inside.
Everything I had worked for since leaving my parents house was gone.
Thank God I had my kids. They kept me going.
March of 2018 -After being happily remarried for several years now, and fully recovered from having to start over eleven years ago, I’m finally happy.
I am loved more than I ever dreamed I could be. And respected. oh the so much needed respect! He puts me first in everything.
I have no reason to be thinking about the past yet it keeps coming up.
I choose to forgive the people who have hurt me. I’ve always chosen to forgive. It’s why I left in 2007. I needed to forgive him, I needed to be able to let it go and although it first sent me down a long dark road, I did forgive. I know I did.
The abuse of my childhood keeps coming back too. Over and over.
The bitterness won’t go away. I can’t seem to shake it. I no longer feel compassion for others the way that I should. I no longer cry at love stories or feel sadness. I just feel like a stone cold wall.
I won’t even let my husband penetrate this wall and he is too sweet for me to be pushing him away like that.
I barely feel any emotion at all. What is wrong with me?!
People tell me to, “Just let it all go.” What should I let go of? How do you get rid of memories? These memories are like knives, digging in deeper.
Never before have I had this much trouble with… thinking. Why can’t I stop thinkinggggg?!!
What I have just described to you is a hormone imbalance called OAT axis.
It is an endocrine disorder in which several organs operate distinct of one another rather than in sync.
It causes various hormones to imbalance as they are carried throughout the body. As they reach the brain it causes the mind to replay traumatic events as though they just happened. It stresses the adrenal glands which creates too much Cortisol causing weight loss to be non-existent.
You can read about adrenal fatigue here.
Ovarian Adrenal Thyroid then becomes unstable, allowing negative or too many hormones to be released. What happens to one organ affects the others so greatly it can shut them down.
Once one of them shuts down, as my thyroid has, for example, the symptoms are exacerbated. Once I got a hysterectomy it worsened the side effects of the other organs.
I am writing this article to make others aware of this disorder.
If you are experiencing some of the same issues where you can’t seem to shut down your mind, it may not be an issue with your mind, it may be an issue with your hormones.
When you can’t seem to let the pain of past abuse go, maybe there is a medical reason.
Many things that we relate to emotional issues do, in fact, have a medical explanation.
https://www.drlam.com/blog/hormone-imbalance-symptoms/ says: “…hormone imbalance symptoms can include insomnia, fatigue, chronic fatigue, joint pain, exercise intolerance, brain fog, sugar intolerance, diabetes, dry skin, feeling cold, slow metabolism, inability to lose weight, PMS, endometriosis, irregular menstrual cycle, fibrocystic breast disease, anxiety, depression, and accumulation of fat at the waist line.”
The list of symptoms are even longer than this and I had all of them except diabetes.
I wasn’t crazy. The bitterness I was experiencing also wasn’t caused by un-forgiveness, or hate. It was caused by a hormone imbalance.
My body wasn’t able to flush or rid itself of the excess negative hormones. It stressed my adrenal glands, causing too much Cortisol and my thyroid medication to stop working.
I was diagnosed with this disorder about nine years ago and have noticed symptoms progressively worsen after each surgery I have had or during the most stressful times in my life.
The hysterectomy was directly related to this disorder.
If you are having the same issues, look up OAT axis syndrome to see if you might possibly need hormone replacement therapy. Help is available.
There are clinics specifically designed to help with hormone related issues, weight loss, and many other of the symptoms this disorder causes.
Once I got on the keto diet, my body started to function better.
Coincidentally between March of 2018 (when I started reducing carbs from my diet) and the end of May of 2018 (when I got rid of them completely) I progressively got better.
Sugar was shooting those hormones out of control.
Then once the docs finally prescribed me a hormone medication my body could tolerate and I found several things that helped with adrenal fatigue, by early September I was able to get rid of all of those negative thoughts.
My heart softened, I got better and I was finally able to “Just let it all go.”
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